Everyone Should Have Kids. They Are The

Everyone Should Have Kids. They Are The Greatest Joy In The World. But They Are Also Terrorists. You'll Realize This As Soon As They Are Born And They Start Using Sleep Deprivation To Break You.

It Seems To Be A Common Denominator With A Lot Of Comics, This Low Self-esteem Thing.

Well, I'm A 14 Handicap. Anyone Who Golfs Knows What That Means.

Whenever I Get Down About Life Going By Too Quickly, What Helps Me Is A Little Mantra That I Repeat To Myself: At Least I'm Not A Fruit Fly.

I Had A Very Italian House - The "plastic Furniture You Couldn't Sit On" House. Did Anybody Have The Museum House? For A Kid It's Traumatic. Towels You Can Never Touch. China No One's Ever Gonna Use. Everything Is For A Special Occasion That Never Happens. My Mother Was Waiting For The Pope To Show Up For Dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.