Every Time I Get On An Airplane

Because I'm The Only Performer Who Comes Out And Says I've Had Plastic Surgery, I've Become The Plastic Surgery Poster Girl, Which Is Hilarious, Because Everybody Has Done It And They All Deny It. They Stand There, Like The Bride Of Frankenstein, They've All Got Stitches, And They All Say, 'i've Done Nothing.' I Talk About It.

You Know Why I Feel Older? I Went To Buy Sexy Underwear And They Automatically Gift Wrapped It.

I Think Anyone Who's Perfectly Happy Isn't Particularly Funny.

The People Voting For The Oscars Are So Old. I Haven't Seen One Academy Award Voter With A Tampon In Her Purse.

Emotional Troubles Are Like Landfill. Get Them Outside, And The Air Disintegrates Them.