Communism Is Just One Big Telephone Company.

The Crooks Downtown Figured Out That Comedy Is Like A Hammer. It Can Put Up A Barn And It Can Knock Down A Wall. So They Bought It Outright And Marketed It As Comedy Central.

My Only Challenge Was To Tell My Truth, Man... Figure Out What I Had To Say. These Days, It's Not Enough To Boost That Roomful Of Strangers. The Young Comic Spends All Their Time Trying To Sound Different From The Million Other Jokesters Grabbing For The Mic.

All My Humor Is Based Upon Destruction And Despair.

The Only Truly Anonymous Donor Is The Guy Who Knocks Up Your Daughter.

There's A Lot Of Money In Wars, Except In The War On Poverty. Can't Make Any Bread Helping The Poor.