Comedy Is A Man In Trouble. And

Every Man's Dream Is To Be Able To Sink Into The Arms Of A Woman Without Also Falling Into Her Hands.

I've Had Great Success Being A Total Idiot.

From 1936 On, I Have Taken More Falls Than Any Other 20 Comedians Put Together. From The Time I Was 21, I've Taken Them On Everything From Clay Courts To Cement To Wood Floors, Coming Off Pianos, Going Out A Two-story Window, Landing On Dean, Falling Into The Rough. You Do That And You're Gonna Have Problems.

When I Would Be Myself, I Was Being Big-headed. I Was Being Egotistical. I Was A Megalomaniac, When It Really Was Just Having Not To Be A Monkey For A Few Hours A Day. And Fulfilling The Need To Be A Man.

The Young Man Who's Had The Guggenheim Fortune Behind Him All His Life - He Can Hire All The Authorities On The Subject To Teach Him How To Do A Monologue, But He's Never Going To Have The Right Stuff To Pull It Off. If He Doesn't Walk Out Onstage Needing To Walk Out There, He Doesn't Have A Dream Of Doing Well.