Aspirin Will Not Bring Dead Hookers Back

I Masturbate! I Do It Like I Think If I Keep Doing It, I'm Gonna Win Something.

I Don't Mind A Crowd's Not Laughing; It's The Groans That Slow Down The Show.

When I Was A Kid, I Really Loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

I Keep Getting These People At My Shows Who Only Know Me From Television. I Can Always Tell When They're, Like, Emotionally Flinching When I Start Doing My Jokes.

I'm Not The Comic Of The Generation, I'm Not Even The Funniest Guy In My Family.