I Masturbate! I Do It Like I

My Day Jobs... I Knew I Was Bad At Those, So I Didn't Really Have The Confidence To Think That I Could Do Comedy. But I Knew I Hated The Day Jobs.

Have You Seen That Magazine Barely Legal? That Means When You Look At It, You're Almost A Pedophile.

Never Drink Alone, That's What They Say. But You Know What? If You Drink You Will Never Be Alone, Alright?

I Went Skiing Today, Too, Yeah. I Didn't Wanna Go. The Girl I'm Stalking Wanted To Go, So... I'm Not Kiddin!

I Don't Think I'm A Star Or A Celebrity Or Any Thing Like That.