When I Was On Acid, I Would

Every Time I Go And Shave, I Assume There's Someone Else On The Planet Shaving. So I Say, 'i'm Gonna Go Shave, Too.'

When Someone Hands You A Flyer, It's Like They're Saying Here You Throw This Away.

Wearing A Turtleneck Is Like Being Strangled By A Really Weak Guy, All Day. Wearing A Backpack And A Turtleneck Is Like A Weak Midget Trying To Bring You Down.

When I Get A Cold Sore, I Put Carmex On It, Because Carmex Is Supposed To Alleviate Cold Sores. I Don't Know If It Does Help, But It Will Make Them More Shiny And Noticeable. It's Like Cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe They Could Come Up With An Arrow That Heals Cold Sores.

I Didn't Go To College, But If I Did, I Would've Taken All My Tests At A Restaurant, 'cause 'the Customer Is Always Right'.