When I First Heard The Song Don't

And, Of Course, The Funniest Food: "kumquats". I Don't Even Bring Them Home Anymore. I Sit There Laughing And They Go To Waste.

I Call Him Governor Bush Because That's The Only Political Office He's Ever Held Legally In This Country. I Don't Care Where They Hang His Portrait, I Don't Care How Big His Library Is. To Me, He'll Always Be "governor Bush." I Don't Even Capitalize His Name When I Type It Anymore.

I Also Survived Circumcision, A Barbaric Practice Designed To Remind You As Early As Possible That Your Genitals Are Not Your Own.

I Literally Didn't Know My Father. My Mother Had Been A Secretary, And After She And My Father Split, She Went Back To Work For An Advertising Executive. So My Older Brother And I Were "latch-door Kids." We Went Home For Lunch And After School By Ourselves.

In Terms Of Coke, The Only Money I Ever Thought About Was That Dollar Bill I Had Stuck Up My Nose.