What's The Two Things They Tell You

Everything You Do, Burns Calories. Getting Up In The Morning, 100 Calories; Kicking The Hooker Out Of Your Bed, Another 100; Diapering Your Monkey, 35 Calories; Laughing At A Midget, Fun And 10 Calories; Catching Your Girlfriend With Another Guy, 2000-3000 Calories, Depending On Backswings.

If You Take Off Your Pants And Her First Reaction Is, "awwww, Look At It...like A Little Baby Jesus." Time To Buy A Porsche.

Once You Get Offstage You're Just Like Everyone Else, And Everyone Else Can Get Into A Fight.

If I Was To Have Sex With One Animal It Would Be A Horse. That Is A Beautiful Animal. And When You Have Sex With A Horse, You Know You Always Have A Ride Home.

I'm A Stand-up Comic. Anything Else I Do Besides That Is A Plus, But Stand-up Comedy Is What I Do, It's What I've Been Doing And It's What I'm Going To Keep Doing.