We Are Simultaneously The Most Hated, Loved,

In View Of All The Deadly Computer Viruses That Have Been Spreading Lately, Weekend Update Would Like To Remind You: When You Link Up To Another Computer, You're Linking Up To Every Computer That That Computer Has Ever Linked Up To.

President Bush Gave His First-ever Presidential Radio Address In Both English And Spanish. Reaction Was Mixed, However, As People Were Trying To Figure Out Which One Was Which.

It's A Cocktail-party Circuit In D.c., That Guy Who Couldn't Master The Guitar And Get In A Band And Get Laid, He Ends Up There. Gary Condit Make Sense To Me. He's Away From His Family, He's In D.c. - If He Was A Car Dealer In The [san Fernando] Valley Somewhere Out There, He'd Be The Guy Who Was Trying To Get Laid By Offering You The Free Undercoating Package.

Concussion? How The Hell Can They Tell? They're *football* Players, For Chrissakes!

The White House Looked Into A Plan That Would Allow Illegal Immigrants To Stay In The United States. The Plan Called For A Million Mexicans To Marry A Million Of Our Ugliest Citizens.