Today Is 11/11/11, A Date So Simple

Here's A Little Bit Of Good News. The Coast Guard Says That Bp Is Now Catching Up To 630,000 Gallons Of Oil A Day. The Bad News Is That They're Capturing It With Ducks.

People Are Being Really Picky About The Upcoming Election. I Read That Americans Do Not Want The Next President To Be A First-term Senator, Be Over 65, Or Have A Former President In The Family. Then The Secret Service Said, 'hey, Whoever Slips Through Slips Through. No Promises.'

In A Speech In Texas, Donald Trump Called Hillary Clinton 'easily The Worst Secretary Of State In The History Of Our Country.' When Asked What He Based That On, Trump Said, 'i Heard Me Say It Just Now. So It's Gotta Be True.'

The Pentagon Banned The Army From Using Chinese-made Berets. In A More Veiled Slap At The Chinese, The Pentagon Also Banned Any Alternative Form Of Checkers.

I Didn't Think It Was Going To Be This Fun. But Everything Just Gets Heightened When You Have A Baby. The Volume Gets Turned Up On Life. I Never Knew I Could Be This Happy, And That's The Truth.