There Just Isn't Enough Televised Chess

You All Know Newt Gingrich. Newt Is Short For Newton. People Say If That's The Case, What Is Mitt Short For? It's Short For 'mittens.'

When I Stopped Smoking Cigars It Was The Biggest Mistake I Made In My Life. So My Resolution For 98 Is Im Going To Start Smoking Cigars Again. I Gave Them Up About A Year And A Half Ago, And I Now Realize That It May Have Been My One Last Fun, Interesting Thing To Do.

Scientists Have Proven Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt That There Is Life After Death -- Though They Say It's Virtually Impossible To Get Decent Chinese Food.

When Martha Gets Out She'll Be Under House Arrest In Her Big $40 Million Mansion In Bedford. Boy, That'll Teach Her. She's Only Allowed Out Of The House For Doctors Visits, Grocery Shopping, Or To Dump More Stock.

Scientists Have Discovered A Black Hole That Is 12 Billion Times The Size Of Our Sun. It's Full Of Hillary Clinton Emails.