Airport Screeners Are Now Scanning Holiday Fruitcakes.

After My Bypass Surgery I Knew I Had To Change My Lifestyle, And Then It Occured To Me - I Don't Have A Lifestyle.

A Lot Of People Think I'm Retiring, But I've Been Telling A Fib. I've Been Forced To Leave This Job Because I Gave $75,000 To The Clinton Foundation.

I Worry About Rick Perry. One, He's Too Conservative, Two, His Debating Skills. And Three ... Oh Crap, What Was Three?

Rick Perry Is Now Saying He Thinks That Barack Obama's Birth Certificate Is Fake. I Think Perry May Have Faked His Driver's License.

Everyone Has This Sense Of Togetherness Right Now. For Example, One Guy On The Subway Today, He Wanted To Share My Pants.