There Is No Such Thing As Fun

Comedy Is Just Complaining In An Entertaining Way, Enterplaining.

Why Is Mcdonalds Still Counting? How Insecure Is This Company? 40 Million, 80 Billion Million Jillion Killion Tillion... Who Cares? Is Anyone Really Impressed By That Any More? Ooh, 89 Billion Sold? All Right, I'll Have One! I'm Satisfied! I'd Like To Tell The Ceo Of Mcdonalds, "look. We All Get It, Okay? You've Sold A Lot Of Hamburgers. Whatever The Number Is, Just Put Up A Sign, 'mcdonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We Are Tired Of Hearing About Every Goddamn One Of Them."

Somebody Just Gave Me A Shower Radio. Thanks A Lot. Do You Really Want Music In The Shower? I Guess There's No Better Place To Dance Than A Slick Surface Next To A Glass Door.

Everything Is In How You Are Going To Handle It. As A Lifelong Nightclub Comic, I'm Ready To Handle Whatever I Have To Handle.

People On Dates Shouldn't Even Be Allowed Out In Public.