The Worst Thing About Losing This Job:

But The Good News, The Crime Rate Is Down. Isn't That Amazing? Less Banks Are Being Robbed. Well, Sure. A, There's Less Banks. B, The Banks Don't Have Any Money Left. And C, Nobody's Got Gas Money For The Getaway Car. So, Right There, Crime Is Down!

If God Had Wanted Us To Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates.

You Can Tell You Ate Too Much For Thanksgiving When You Have To Let Your Bathrobe Out.

President Obama's Been Reaching Out To Iran, Reaching Out To Cuba, Reaching Out To Latin America. The Only Place He Can't Seem To Be Able To Reach Out To: Texas. ... Despite Governor Rick Perry Talking About How Texas Could Secede From The Union If It Wanted To, 75 Per Cent Of The People Who Live There Want To Stay In The United States. Of Course They Want To Stay. I Mean, After Spending All That Time And Effort Sneaking Across The Border To Get Here, Why Would They Want To Leave?

Now There Are More Overweight People In America Than Average-weight People. So Overweight People Are Now Average. Which Means You've Met Your New Year's Resolution.