The Opposite Of Sad Is Down's Syndrome.

Comedy Central Made Me Delete The Boston Marathon Joke. I Wasn't Happy About It But, Despite Popular Belief, I Can Occasionally Be A Team Player.

My Ultimate Goal Is To Do Whatever I Want, Whenever I Want To Do It. And That Keeps Changing. I Didn't Want To Host My Own Show Until I Wrote For Someone Else's.

Every Sunday My Dad Calls To Ask If I Went To Church. And Every Sunday I Lie And Say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

My Girlfriend Was Just Killed In A Car Accident. Devastating. I Can't Believe I'm Only Going To Have Sex With Her One More Time.

I Think The Reason I Became Funny Was Because If I Made People Laugh, They Would Let Me Keep Talking.