The First Time I Did Stand-up Was

And We're Just All Made Of Molecules And We're Hurtling Through Space Right Now.

I Don't Care If You Think I'm Racist. I Just Want You To Think I'm Thin.

I've Always Kept My Overhead Low So I Could Do Whatever I Want. I Think Of Myself As Lazy With Spurts Of Getting A Lot Done. I Find Myself Rooting Against Things Sometimes Because I Get Excited At The Thought Of A Clean Slate.

In Your Twenties, I Think You Should Have All Of The Sex That You're Inclined To Have, As Long As You're Safe About It. Use Condoms And Everything. Go With Your Instincts. This Is The Time To Have A Lot Of Sex And Do Drugs. But Make Sure You Live Through It.

Everyone Self-googles. And, I Have, Of Course, The Google Alert.