Mommy Is One Of The Chosen People

I'm Always In Those Tabloids Where They Show Who's Badly Dressed. It's Funny, Because Each Time I'm Getting My Picture Taken, I'm Thinking, This Is A Nice Outfit.

It's Funny How People Will Think I'm Being Sarcastic A Lot And Joking. So I'll Say, "i Like Your Dress," And They'll Go "(bleep) You!" Or I Say Something Serious And They Go, "oh, Yeah, Ha-ha." They're Strangers. They're People Who Know Me From Comedy, But Luckily I Am On Pretty Much All The Time!

She, Uh, Came Out Of The Closet Recently, My Niece. Um... She Announced To The Family That She's A Lesbian And... She's Seven, Did I Mention That? And, Uh, I Don't Even Know If She Knows What A Lesbian Is, But I Support Her Completely. And, Uh... I'll Tell You What's Heartbreaking. My Sister Punished Her For It. Can You Believe That? No Pussy For A Week. Which To Us May Not Sound Like... But When You're Seven, You Know, A Week Is A Long Time.

I Am 39 Years Old, And I Still Wake Up Every Morning Really Excited I Don't Have To Go To School.

I Don't Care If You Think I'm Racist. I Just Want You To Think I'm Thin.