...then I Got Divorced And Everything Changed,

When My Kids Were Younger, I Used To Avoid Them. I Used To Sit On The Toilet 'til My Legs Fell Asleep. You Want To Know Why Your Father Spends So Long In The Toilet? Because He's Not Sure He Wants To Be A Father.

A Lot Of Stand-up Specials For Cable Are Meant To Glorify The Comedian. They Put You In A Really Beautiful Theater, And Sometimes They Even Blow A Little Smoke In There To Make It Misty And Sweet. They Make The Guy Look Like He's A Big Rock Star. But Comedy's Not Really Glamorous. It Doesn't Enhance Comedy For It To Look Good.

To Me, Comedies Are Usually The Least Funny Movies. Movies That Are Actually A Comedy Are Usually Not All That Funny. To Me Goodfellas And Raging Bull Are Two Of The Funniest Movies I Ever Saw.

America's A Family. We All Yell At Each Other. It All Works Out.

I've Had Soccer Moms Come Up And Tell Me They Can Relate When I Say That I Want To Throw My Baby In The Trash.