Stocks Are At An All-time High Today.

At The White House, They Caught Another Fence Jumper Earlier Today. It Was Obama Trying To Get Out.

How About That Oil Slick In The Gulf Of Mexico. And You Know, The Oil Slick Is Going Everywhere. So The Next Time Somebody Lands On The Hudson, It Won't Be That Big A Deal.

This Osama Bin Laden, Now They Say He Has Had Plastic Surgery. They Say He Sneaked Across The Border Into Pakistan, Which By The Way Is The Place To Go To Have Plastic Surgery. He Looks Great. A Tourist Came Up To Him Earlier This Week And Said, 'may I Have Your Autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'

Experts Say That Iraq May Have Nuclear Weapons. That's Bad News - They May Have A Nuclear Bomb. Now The Good News Is That They Have To Drop It With A Camel.

People Say We Need Royalty. We Have Royalty In The United States - The Kardashians.