Self-pity Shortens Your Life.

Here's A Thanksgiving Tip. Generally, Your Turkey Is Not Cooked Enough If It Passes You The Cranberry Sauce.

I Could Never Be In A Cult. For Starters, They Never Accessorize Properly. David Koresh Had No Fashion Sense, Jim Jones Wore Leisure Suits, And I Don't Care How Charismatic Osama Bin Laden Was, An Ak-47 And An Insulin Drip Do Not Take The Place Of Drop Earrings Or A Well-placed Brooch.

In Every Human Endeavor, Persistence Is Everything.

I'm No Cook. When I Want Lemon On Chicken, I Spray It With Pledge.

I Always Like A Charity With People Who Don't Speak English Because I Get Them To Do All Kinds Of Things Around My House.