Scottish-americans Tell You That If You Want

I Always Look Skint. When I Buy A Big Issue, People Take It Out Of My Hand And Give Me A Pound.

I Don't Understand Art-speak. My Pictures Are Big Doodles. I'm Amazed What People Come Up With When They Look At Them. There's One Of A Figure With Two Heads That Somebody Thought Must Be A Comment On The State Of Matrimony. None Of It Is A Comment On Anything.

Before You Judge A Man, Walk A Mile In His Shoes. After That Who Cares?... He's A Mile Away And You've Got His Shoes!

I Don't Think I've Ever Died On Stage. I've Had Jokes That Died On Stage. I've Told A Joke And Absolutely Nothing. They Didn't Know It Was The End Of The Joke.

Paddy Was In The Delivery Room When The Midwife Handed Him A Black Baby. "is This Yours?" She Asked "probably" Said Paddy "she Burns Everything Else"