Saw A Man In Whole Foods Yelling

Aristotle Said, Love Is Composed Of A Single Soul Inhabiting Two Bodies. Isn't That A Three-way?

Full House Was A Show That Was Done For Ten-year-olds. The Critics Hated It. They Said Terrible, Terrible Things About It. But It Should Have Been Reviewed By Ten-year-olds. That's Who It Was Made For. They Loved It. And If They Loved It, Great. Why The Hell Does A Fifty-year-old Guy Working At A Big Newspaper Have To Tell Me I'm A Piece Of Crap?

Jon Lovitz. Jon, Your Act Is Like Masturbation: You're The Only One Who Enjoys It, And You Should Be Arrested For Doing It In Public.

My Confidence Wavers Between Being Genuine And Being Insecure.

What I've Learned About Comedy People Is That They're Defined By The Harshest Level They've Been To, Their Personal Auschwitz.