President Bush Has Delivered A New Resolution

California's Economy Is Declining So Rapidly That Candidates Are Asking 'are You Better Off Now Then You Were Four Minutes Ago?'

Singer Boy Dylan Was Stopped At His Own Sow By Security Guards Who Failed To Recognize The Singer. Asked To Comment, Dylan Replied, 'i Can Hardly Blame Them. Look At Me.'

Yesterday Jerry Springer Bowed Out Of The Ohio Senate Race. He Said, 'if I Can't Run The Most Embarrassing Campaign In America, Then I'm Out Of Here.'

Federal Authorities Have Informed Martha Stewart's Lawyers She Will Be Indicted For Her Role In The Imclone Insider Trading Scandal. Good News For Martha - Stripes Are Back In This Year.

It's Not A Big Part, ... I Wheel In An Ultrasound Machine And Say To Taylor's Gynecologist, 'if You Have A Problem With It, Just Give It A Light Tap On The Side.' Then They Hand Me A Urine Sample, And I Put It Up To The Light And Say 'hmm, Looks Pretty Healthy, But I'll Check.'