People Always Tell Me "have A Nice

It's Harder To Be Funny From The Position Of Power.

I Have A Suggestion That I Think Would Help Fight Serious Crime. Signs. There Are Lots Of Signs For Minor Infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off The Grass, Keep Out, And They Seem To Work Fairly Well. I Think We Should Also Have Signs For Major Crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, No Raping People, Thank You For Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's Certainly Worth A Try. I'm Convinced Watergate Would Never Have Happened If There Had Just Been A Sign In The Oval Office That Said, Malfeasance Of Office Is Strictly Against The Law, Or Thank You For Not Undermining The Constitution.

The Captain Has Just Turned On The Fasten-seat-belt-sign. He Didn't Mean To, But The Joint He Was Smoking Fell In His Lap, And When He Jumped Up, His Head Hit The Switch.

Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella, And You'll End Up With A Face Full Of Rain.

Beethoven Was So Hard Of Hearing, He Thought He Was A Painter.