Pain Only Hurts When You Are Looking

Every Time You Come In From Cheating On Someone, They'll Just Whip Out The Most Adorable Term Of Endearment. Like, They'll Wake Up, Bright And Early, Sleep In Their Eyes And Say: "hey, Perfect."

Start Each Day Out The Holy Way..with Christ Chex, It's A Miracle In A Bowl. Just Open The Box And You Hear Ahhhhh....and Then A Lil' Angel Flies Out And Says 'good Morning, Life Is Beautiful!'.

You Must Accept Responsibility For Your Actions. This Doesn't Include Reactions, Interactions Or Transactions If You're Thinkin' Loophole.

When You Get Hit By A Car Sometimes Your Shoes Will Fly Off, Sometimes Your Pants Will Come Off, But I Was Not Fortunate Enough To See The Pants Portion.

I'm Sure That People Who Have Been Tweeting Funny Things Have Ended Up On Writing Staffs Of A Late Night Show.