No-one Gets Beaten To Death Quite Like

With More And More States Legalizing Marijuana, Companies Are Lining Up To Create The First Marijuana Breathalyzer. Officials Say The Toughest Part Is Getting Stoners To Stop Trying To Inhale Off The Breathalyzer.

John Mccain Addressed Critics Who Believe He Will Be Too Old To Run For A Sixth Term In The Senate, Saying That He's Still Healthy And Ready To Go. Then People Around Mccain Said, 'why Is He Talking To That Mannequin?'

While He Was In Utah, Obama Discussed Immigration Reform With Leaders Of The Mormon Church. Obama Introduced The First Lady. Then The Church's President Introduced His First Lady. And His Second Lady. And His Third, Fourth, And Fifth Ladies.

Donald Trump's Not Backing Down. Yesterday He Said He Doesn't Need To Be Lectured By The Other Republican Candidates, Who He Says Have No Business Running For President. Not To Be Confused With Donald Trump, Who Ran For President And Now Has No Business.

Ben Carson Actually Lost A Tooth. Which Explains Why He Said That Under His Leadership, Americans Would Be Entitled To 'life, Liberty, And The Purthuit Of Happineth.'