No-one Gets Beaten To Death Quite Like

Lincoln Chafee, Former Governor Of Rhode Island, Announced He's Running For President. Before He Announced He's Running, His Wife Went On Facebook And Asked His Staff If They Remembered His Password. Because If A Facebook Password Is Too Hard To Remember, The Launch Codes For The Nukes Should Be A Piece Of Cake.

This Morning My Dad Called Me Up And Said, 'so, Tonight's Your Last Show, Huh.' And I Said, 'no, Dad, That's Someone Else.'

In A New Interview, Herman Cain Said That If Rick Perry Were An Ice Cream Flavor, He'd Be 'rocky Road.' I Don't Know, Perry's Not Really Any Flavor Of Ice Cream. He's Just The Brain Freeze Part.

In A Speech In Texas, Donald Trump Called Hillary Clinton 'easily The Worst Secretary Of State In The History Of Our Country.' When Asked What He Based That On, Trump Said, 'i Heard Me Say It Just Now. So It's Gotta Be True.'

The Bp President Said Yesterday That The Company Would Survive. That's Like Someone Running Over Your Dog And Saying, 'don't Worry, My Car Is Fine.'