My Real Life Is Funnier Than Anything

One Of The First Things I Bought When I Made 'roseanne Show' Money Was A Farm In Iowa.

I'm A Comic, And I'm Supposed To Outrage And Make People Laugh, Part Of Makin' People Laugh Is To Shake Up Their Thinkin'. That's What I Came Here To Do.

When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

I Was Not Raised A Zionist, But A Socialist, As Were Most Jews Before The Holocaust.

You Know, I'm Blessed. 'blessed' Is A Better Way Of Saying 'rich.'