My Parents Had Very Strict Rules For

He Taught Me Never To Smile, Which Helps Me When I Visit Disaster Sites.

The Way I Understand It, The Russians Are Sort Of A Combination Of Evil And Incompetence... Sort Of Like The Post Office With Tanks.

I Started Doing Stand-up At The Age Of 20. This Was Back In 1976, Around The Time (coincidence?) That The First Comedy Clubs Were Starting. The Young Comedians Of Today Gasp When I Tell Them How Many Shows I Did That First Year: 500. Five Nights A Week.

Probably The Worst Time In A Person's Life Is When They Have To Kill A Family Member Because They Are The Devil. But Otherwise It's Been A Pretty Good Day.

A Friend Of Mine Gave Me A Philip Glass Record. I Listened To It For Five Hours Before I Realized It Had A Scratch On It.