My Forte Is Awkwardness.

My Headshot Is A Scratch And Sniff, It Smells Like Failure And Onions.

You Write Things That Are Of Interest To You. There's No Focus Group.

I Live In Los Angeles And I Had Been Drinking One Night, So I Was On The Walk Of Fame And I Saw Tony Danza's Star And I Started Urinating On It. Just Yelling Out, 'who's The Boss Now?'

When You Look Like I Do Its Hard To Get A Table For One At Chucky Cheese.

We All Know How Funny Morrissey Is. Actually, You Know What? I Say That Sarcastically. His Songs Are Some Of The Funniest Songs I've Ever Heard In My Life. I Mean, Really. I Mean, Not That The "girlfriend In A Coma" Is, Like, Really Funny.