My Dog Has A Cough. If You've

I Always Wanted To Direct Movies. That's What I Set Out To Do. When I Was A Little Kid I Just Dreamed Of Making Movies, And I Went To Film School [at Northwestern University].

I Always Encourage Over-tipping If You Can Afford It Because Share The Wealth.

When Things Seem To Be Slowing Down, There's This Little Trick I Like To Play. I'd Plow This Virgin Who's On Her Period, And After I'm Done I'd Just Run Out Into The Living Room, Or The Dance Floor, With All That Bloody Goop On My Junk And Yell, Oh My God, I've Been Shot In The Nads! Yeah, Good Times.

If You're Dumb Enough To Volunteer For The Army, I Don't See Why We're Supposed To Feel So Bad When You Get Shot. I'm Not Saying We Should Throw A Party Or Anything, But Is It Such A Tragedy? If I'd Gotten Shot Before I Made 'garden State', Yeah, That's A Tragedy, But Some Red-state Hick Getting His Legs Blown Off? Come On.

Retarded Kids Are The Best. When They Ask For An Autograph I Just Fake Sign A Picture And Tell Them That It's In Invisible Ink And It Will Show Up Later. They Totally Buy It. It Saves Me A Fortune In Markers.