Let No Man's Deathbed Be A Futon.

But I Found That Disappointing People Is A Good Thing, Because Disapproval Is Freedom.

When I'm Buying Car Insurance I Ask Myself, 'which Company Has The Most Annoying And Relentless Commercials?'

I Want To Commit A Crime During A Reenactment, And Turn It Into An Enactment.

I Find That A Shirt Is Most Similar To A Napkin When I Don't Have A Napkin.

I Travel Alone So Much, And The First Thought Is To Grab The Damn Phone. In Airports, Just Look Around. Nobody Looks At Anybody, Or Even Out The Window. It's Obvious We Can't Live Without It Anymore, And As A Comic On The Road The Phone Is An Essential Tool. It's Probably Doing More Good Than Bad For Me, But It Does Make Me Sad That Those Of Us Who Grew Up Without Mobile Phones, We Know What We're Missing.