John Kerry Will Undergo Surgery To Repair

The Big Political News, Arnold Schwarzenegger Announced He's Running For Governor Of California, And Already, People Are Chanting, 'four More Vowels, Four More Vowels.

Happy Birthday To Former First Lady Barbara Bush, Who Turned Seventy-seven This Week. Unfortunately, Where Her Granddaughters Helped Blow Out The Candles On Her Cake, It Exploded.

It's Weird Watching President Bush Struggle With Excuses For Why We Went To War. As He Struggles, It Reminds Us All What A Terrific Liar Bill Clinton Really Was.

President Bush Says In The Last Month He Has Created 300,000 New Jobs. Yeah, They're Called Kerry Campaign Workers.

Our Top Story, In 'threat Matrix Reloaded' News ... Attorney General John Ashcroft And Fbi Director Robert Muller Held A Press Conference Today To Announce That Al Qaeda Is Planning Attacks Somewhere Inside The United States At Sometime In The Future. So Go About Your Normal Lives, But With A Vague Sense Of Foreboding.