I've Upped My Standards. Now, Up Yours.

I Admit I Do Have Some Drawbacks And Limitations As A Candidate. Although I Am A Professional Comedian, Some Of My Critics Maintain That This Is Not Enough. I Cannot Deny That I Stand Before You Untested And Inexperienced - I Only Spent Two Years In Television, Never As A Romantic Lead Or A Song And Dance Man.

Marijuana Should Be Licensed And Kept Out Of The Hands Of Teenagers. It's Too Good For Them.

Actually, My Wine Was Served At The White House Twice. Reagan Must Have Been Asleep When He Ordered It.

It Is True That All Of The Current Presidential Candidates Once Denied That They Had Any Intention Of Running. But The Fact That I Am Also A Liar, Doesn't Make Me A Candidate.

In Opposition To Sex Education: Let The Kids Today Learn It Where We Did - In The Gutter.