I've Upped My Standards. Now, Up Yours.

I Read An Article That Said One In Five Americans Thinks Elvis Is Alive. I Want To Find Those Morons And Get Them Registered To Vote For Me.

I Admit I Do Have Some Drawbacks And Limitations As A Candidate. Although I Am A Professional Comedian, Some Of My Critics Maintain That This Is Not Enough. I Cannot Deny That I Stand Before You Untested And Inexperienced - I Only Spent Two Years In Television, Never As A Romantic Lead Or A Song And Dance Man.

I Think We Should Just Tip The Government If It Does A Good Job. Fifteen Percent Is The Standard Tip, Isn't It?

I Am Neither Left Wing Nor Right Wing. I Am Middle-of-the-bird.

I Came Down To Orange Because I Sold The Smothers Brothers A Song Called 'chocolate,' And That Gave Me Enough Money To Move Down Here. I Was Washing Windows Down In Orange County When They Called Me Up And Said They Wanted Me To Do Their Tv Show.