I've Always Been Fascinated By Dark Subjects,

I Got An Email From My Ex, Telling Me That She Has Aids. I Didn't Know How To Comfort Her, So I Just Wrote Back I Know.

Whenever I’m About To Have Sex With A Girl, I Play It Smart And Just Automatically Assume She Has Herpes; Because That Way I Don’t Have To Tell Her About My Herpes.

My Girlfriend Makes Me Want To Be A Better Person... So I Can Get A Better Girlfriend.

What Do I Care If Someone Doesn't Like Me. If I Like Someone Other People Hate, It Makes Me Feel Special. I Think My Fans Feel That Way.

I Think A Theater Show Is A Pure Version Of Me Doing My Material. The Theater Crowd Is A Bit More Polite, There Really Aren't Hecklers, And There Are A Lot Of People There To See Me, And They're Excited About The Jokes And Hanging Out With Me For A Show.