Instead Of Reading Vows At The Wedding

According To The Recent Polls, Bush Has A Slight Lead Over John Kerry. So Today, Bush Hung A Banner Over The White House Saying, 'mission Accomplished.'

President Obama Is Sending Troops Back To Iraq. He Said, 'don't Worry, We Should Not Be There Any Longer Than A Kardashian Marriage.'

We Thought New York City Was Home To 8 Million Rats. Turns Out, That's A Little High. The Actual Number Is 2 Million Rats. That Explains The Light Turnout For The Midterm Elections.

Fifteen Years Ago Tomorrow I Had Open Heart Surgery, A Quintuple Bypass Surgery. Thanks To All Of My Doctors. Because Of Them, In 15 Years Of Life I've Been Able To Experience, Well, Acid Reflux, Short-term Memory Loss, And Erectile Dysfunction. Thanks For All Your Work. It's Great To Be Alive.

Yesterday, The Senate Voted To Approve President Clinton's Decision To Send Troops To Bosnia. And They Voted To Change The Name Of That Mission To "operation Forget About Whitewater".