In School, I Wasn't A Very Good

I Came From An Italian House. The Refrigerator Was Always Full. I Never Knew You Had To Buy Food. I Thought There Were Food Fairies That Came At Night.

I Did 15 Shows A Week When I Lived In New York. I Did Five Shows On A Friday And Seven Shows On A Saturday. It Was Everything I Did And It Was My Sole Source Of Income.

My Daughter's Tricycle Said "some Assembly Required." It Came In A Jar.

I'm Now Unemployed. It's A Weird Feeling With No Work, But At Least There's Still Golf. Standup Comedy Is Like My Core, It's What I Do. But I Want To Be A Pro Golfer. It's A Love/hate Relationship With Golf. I Can Come Away Feeling So Serene, And Yet, It's The Thing That I Can Let Get To Me To Throw A Club And Say Curses That Don't Even Exist. I'm Obsessed With Something That Won't Let Me Master It. I Don't Know. I Need Therapy.

I'd Rather Be In Las Vegas 104 Degrees Than New York 90 Degrees, You Know Why? Legalized Prostitution. In Any Weather That Takes The Edge Off.