In His Speech Last Night, John Kerry

Today The United States Has Admitted That After Months And Months Of Searching, We Still Have No Idea Where Osama Bin Laden Is. Osama Bin Laden? We Can't Even Find Kenneth Lay.

Did You See Those Iraqis Making That Pilgrimage Slashing Their Foreheads With Knives And Whipping Their Backs With Chains. See, When Saddam Hussein Was Around They Weren't Allowed To Make That Pilgrimage. If They Tried That With Saddam Hussein, He Would Have Slashed Their Foreheads With Knives And Whipped Their Backs With Chains.

Casey Anthony Was Found Not Guilty. This Means That President Obama’s Economic Team Is Only The Second-most Clueless Group In America.

The Other Day The Plane That Barack Obama Was On Had Some Mechanical Difficulties And Was Forced To Land. Well, The National Transportation Safety Board Did An Inspection On The Plane, And You Know What They Found? The Bolts On The Plane Were Fine, But Apparently Jesse Jackson Had Taken Some Of The Nuts Off.

The United States Have Developed A New Weapon That Destroys People But It Leaves Buildings Standing. It's Called The Stock Market.