In His First Speech As Speaker, Boehner

Martha Stewart Published Her Recipe For Disaster -- Mix One Part Arrogance With Two Parts Incompetence, Simmer In The Juices And Then Serve Hot In The Can.

Usain Bolt Won The Gold For The Men's 100- And 200-meter Dashes For The Second Olympics In A Row. You Know, He Has Been Running Since He Was In Elementary School - Kind Of Like Mitt Romney.

Kerry Is Saying That Bush Never Showed Up For His National Guard Duty ... And Now Bush Is On The Attack. He's Accusing John Kerry Of Ducking Time In The National Guard By Hiding Out In The Jungles Of Vietnam.

John Kerry Is Recovering Nicely After Having Prostate Surgery. But The Doctors Did Tell Him It Would Be Several Months Before He Could Be Sexually Active Again. All The Other Democratic Candidates Have Been Very Supportive. Joe Lieberman Called To Wish Him The Best. The Rev. Al Sharpton Called To Offer Prayers. Former President Bill Clinton Called Mrs. Kerry And Asked If She Was Lonely.

As You Know, John Mccain Is An Older, White-haired Man Who Has Been In The Senate For Over Twenty Years, Voted For The Iraq War, And Said Barack Obama Did Not Have The Experience To Be President. I'm Sorry, That's Our Intro For Next Week When Joe Biden Is On, I Got Confused.