I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist.

I Was Always Cutting Words. I Even Would Write My Jokes In My Notebook. I Still Do This, Almost Like A Poem.

I Never Knew If I Would Get My Own Show, But I Knew I Loved Stand-up.

I've Spent The Past Two Years Looking For My Ex-girlfriend’s Killer… But No One Will Do It.

I Want To Marry The Kind Of Girl That Walks Out Of An Abortion Clinic With A Lollipop.

The Opposite Of Sad Is Down's Syndrome.