I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist.

I Was A Terrible Employee. I've Been Fired From Almost Every Job I've Ever Had, Luckily, In A Good Way, Or Else I'd Be Stuck. I Would Always Joke Around With Everybody, And No One Enjoyed My Humor.

Comedy Central Made Me Delete The Boston Marathon Joke. I Wasn't Happy About It But, Despite Popular Belief, I Can Occasionally Be A Team Player.

I Will Never Understand How A Mother Can Kill Her Own Baby And Not Get Away With It.

I'm Trying To Teach My Girlfriend How To Surf. But I Just End Up Yelling At Her The Whole Time. Because I Don't Know How To Surf.

Wayne Brady, I Don’t Understand Why People Keep Joking That You’re Not Black. Wayne Brady, You Are Black. After All, I Only Remember You For All The Years You Played An Uppity Slave On ‘who’s Line Is It Anyway?’.