I'm So Excited About The New Ipad,

There Are Plans For A New High-speed Train Between Los Angeles And San Francisco. It Will Make The Trip Time 30 Minutes. People In L.a. Are Like, Yes! And People In San Francisco Are Like, Yeah, Sure, Great. We Look Forward To Seeing You.

Valentine's Day Is Celebrated A Little Differently Here In L.a. Nobody Eats Chocolate Because Of The Calories, So People Give Each Other Tofu-shaped Boxes Filled With Bean Curd. Then They Fantasize About What Their Pilates Instructor Would Be Like If He Was Straight.

I Would Prefer As A Viewer To Watch The Mistakes. I Am My Own Blooper Reel, As It Happens.

I Dropped Out Of High School When I Was 16, After I Had A Huge Argument With My English Teacher Over The Meaning Of The Word 'existentialism.'

I Hated The Summer Jobs I Had When I Was A Teenager. They Were So Mundane And Repetitious, They Deadened My Soul. On The Bright Side, It Was Good Training For This Job.