I'm Not Sexist, I'm Just A Realist.

Wearing Crocs Is Like Getting Blown By A Dude. It Feels Great Until You Look Down And Realize You're Gay.

I Know Everything Because I Know Nothing.

You Should Feel Good About Yourself Because Of Your Accomplishments. Not Because Somebody Yelled At You To Feel Good About Yourself.

[giving Welfare To Poor People] Is The Equivalent Of The Government Sending [fat People] A Jumbo Bag Of Bugles In The Mail Twice A Month.

If In 1989 I Said, 'i Have An Idea: Bottle Water And Sell It. And Charge More Than A Beer,' They Would Have Chased Me Around With A Giant Butterfly Net. The Same With Paying To Watch A Television Station.