If You Lie To A Person At

When You Delete Pictures Of Your Ex Off Your Phone, It Feels Lighter.

I Found Someones Passport On The Ground Tonight. Where Do You Sell These Things?

If You Live Far Away From A Person You No Longer Want To Date Just Let Them Know That They Are Geographically Undesirable.

I Got Home From Work Today And Took Like A One Hundred Hour Nap. No You Did Not. You'd Be Very Sick If You Were Taking One Hundred Hour Naps. That's A Coma! If You Said You Took A Coma After Work I'd Be Able To Follow The Story.

I Always Thought That If I Got No Love At All Early In My Standup Career, Or I Was God Awful, I Thought I'd Get Into Psychology.