I'd Make Jack Benny Look Like A

If Someone Else Is Paying For It, Food Just Tastes A Lot Better.

You Know What My Theory Is? Accept Me Or Go To Hell.

I Always Felt Bad For Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa Lived A Whole Life Helping Starving Children And Dying Villages, But She Could Never Be Declared A Saint 'cause She Never Actually Performed A Miracle. And It Was Towards The End, She Was Desperate To Perform A Miracle, So She Would Go Up To Starving Children And Go, 'what's That Behind Your Ear? It's A Quarter!

I Understand Being Less Sexy Than Osama Bin Laden, But Not Less Sexy Than Carrot Top. That, I Find Offensive.

I Find Washington Audiences Are Basically The Same As Every Other Audience; They Watch Me And Go, 'who's Idea Was It To Go See Him? And Is It Too Late To Ask For My Money Back?'