I Was Raised In A Family Where

My Goal In Life Is To Be As Happy As A Studio Audience.

You Can Never Find The Right Bowling Ball. This One's Too Heavy. This One's Good But Its Pink!

I'm A Big Eater. I Mean, A Lot Of My Stand-up Is About Food, And You Write About What You Know, And That's The Only Thing I Know. I Don't Know Anything Else.

I Like To Think Of Bread As Really Bland Cake.

If You're A Guy Over 30 By Yourself In The Hotel Pool, You Automatically Look Like A Murderer Who's Just Relaxing After He Strangled A Family. "yeah-that Dad Was A Tough One To Kill."