I Prefer To Sleep With Deaf Girls.

About A Month Ago Some Kids In My Neighborhood Were Playing Hide-and-go-seek And One Of Them Ended Up In An Abandoned Refrigerator. It's All Anybody Talked About For Weeks. I Said, 'who Cares? How Many Kids You Know Get To Die A Winner?

I Have A Rare Form Of Body Dysmorphia In Which I Absolutely Can't Stand How Good I Look.

Yesterday I Accidentally Hit A Little Kid With My Car. It Wasn't Serious — Nobody Saw Me.

My Sister Just Had A Baby, A Little Newborn. The Kid Is Adorable, So Cute. She Wouldn't Let Me Hold Him, She Refuses. She Says, 'no Way, Anthony, I'm Afraid You're Gonna Drop Him.' I'm 32 Years Old. Like I'm Some Kind Of Idiot. Like I Don't Have A Million Other Ways To Hurt That Baby.

I Never Knew If I Would Get My Own Show, But I Knew I Loved Stand-up.