I Only Like Sports That Bond Villains

I Came To America, And I Made Good. It's An Old Story, But It Hasn't Been Told In A Long Time. Usually, It's, 'i'm An Immigrant, I Came Here And Got Persecuted.' My Story Is I Came Here, I Worked Hard, And It Worked Out All Right. So It's Still Available.

Every Year Law Schools Churn Out Thousands Of Lawyers. We Don't Need Any More Lawyers. We Need More Lawyers Like We Need More Talk-show Hosts.

It Is A Great Day For The Great State Of Texas. The Last Person Being Tested For Ebola Has Come Back Clean. So Texas Is Now Ebola Free. This Was A Big Week For Them. They're Now Free Of Ebola - And Democrats.

Here's A Tip For All You Aspiring Young Comics: Don't Beat Up The Customers. It Is Very Difficult To Get Laughs From An Audience When You've Actually Drawn Blood From One Of Their Number. It Kills The Mood.

My Pilot's License. I'm Proud Of That.