I’m The Frosting On America’s Cake, And

I Used To Make Up Stuff In My Bio All The Time, That I Used To Be A Professional Ice-skater And Stuff Like That. I Found It So Inspirational. Why Not Make Myself Cooler Than I Am?

I'm Not A Standup. I Didn't Start Off As A Writer, I Learned To Write Through Improvisation, And So That's The Part Of The Show That Can Most Surprise Me. The Written Part Of The Show, I Know I Can Get Wrong. You Can't Really Get The Interview "wrong."

Sir, Pay No Attention To The People Who Say The Glass Is Half Empty, Because 32% Means It's 2/3 Empty. There's Still Some Liquid In That Glass Is My Point, But I Wouldn't Drink It. The Last Third Is Usually Backwash. (said To President Bush At The White House Correspondents Dinner)

I Don't Think Anybody Can With A Straight Face Say That The Russians Did Not Set Out To Influence Our Election, And They Did So.

There Hasn't Been A Scandal This Big At The C.i.a. Since (classified) Committed (censored) To (redacted).