I Left The Midwest Thinking I Didn't

You Never Want To Be The Worst Bowler Of The Group-because Then Everyone Treats You Like You Have Cancer. "you Can Do It! We're Praying For You." The Advice Starts. "use A Heavier Ball." "keep Your Arm Straight." "you Should Get A Vasectomy." If You're Really Bad At Bowling Like Me, They'll Ask If Want The Bumpers Up. Not That Bowling Is That Complex Anyway. "you Want The Bumpers? We Can Get Rid Of The Pins. Why Don't You Take This Coloring Book And Sit In The Corner?"

People Need To Write Articles And They Need To Have Angles In Them And I'm Grateful When People Are Doing Articles, But I Always Say There's Not A Great Mystery To Stand-up Comedy.

My Goal In Life Is To Be As Happy As A Studio Audience.

There Was [ In New York] - Some Of It Was This Perception Of The Midwest That I Realized In This Multicultural City That - And I Don't Think It's As True As It Was - But Everyone Was Kind Of Like, What, Are You Jewish? Are You Italian? What Are You? You Know, Are You Black? Are You Da-da-da? Are You Puerto Rican? And So I Ended Up - My Ethnic Identity Was Midwestern, Was White Bread. And So It Informed A Lot Of My Stand-up.

The Hardest Part Of The Day Is All The Stuff After I Open My Eyes In The Morning.