I Have To Get A Licence To

For Years, I Just Did Not Like This Idea Of God, Church.

Women Are Brilliant. Every Woman Knows How To Do The Weirdest Thing Right Out Of The Bucket. Every Woman Knows How To Do That Hindu Head Wrap With The Towel Out Of The Shower. A Typhoon Couldn't Blow That Thing Off Their Heads. Ever Try To Do That? You Look Like A Drunk Iraqi Soldier.

I Think There's A Percentage [of The Audience] That Don't Realize, That Don't Know That [standup] Is How Everything Began. We Planned It, We Work Hard, Rehearsals To Get This. It's More Of A ... It's Not Just Coming In There In A T-shirt And Holding A Microphone.

I'm A Very Bad Student, But A Great Learner.

I Have Way Too Many Commitments. I Get Pulled In Too Many Directions And I Never Seem To Be Able To Satisfy Anybody. People Get Turned On By Knowing A Celebrity, Even My Friends And Family. They Feel That There's Something Exciting About Me, But In Reality There's No Substance To It. People In Airports Just Hold On To Me Expecting Something And It Seems That I Always Come Up Empty. It's Frustrating Because I'm Trying To Please Everybody, And Ya Just Can't Do That ... At Least I Can't.